Disengaging has become a pivotal concept in my life, one that I am gradually embracing with a newfound understanding. Reflecting on my past, I realize this notion has not always been easy to grasp. It is a term that is often employed when all other attempts fail to yield the desired outcome of a tranquil and contented existence.
Previously, my default approach was to try and 'fix' things, without fully comprehending what 'it' truly entailed. The elusive nature of 'it' was akin to a puzzle without a clear solution. Today, 'it' manifests in the intricate dynamics of relationships and the burdensome weight of familial obligations that feel coerced upon me.
The environment I grew up in was far from nurturing; it was rife with hatred and indifference. The adults in my life harbored deep-seated resentments towards one another, which inevitably trickled down to the younger generation. Verbal and physical abuse, coupled with a blatant disregard for basic human rights, tainted my formative years.
Isn't it every parent's aspiration to provide a safe and nurturing environment for their children? A space where kindness and decency prevail, allowing them to blossom into compassionate and responsible adults? These were the values instilled in me by one of my parents, whom I deeply admire for their integrity and wisdom.
Conversely, the other parental figure embodied a stark contrast, embodying shady dealings and perpetual turmoil. Their disdain for women, aversion to boundaries, and rejection of structure created a toxic atmosphere that left a lasting impact on each child's emotional well-being.
Despite the tumultuous upbringing, I have come to realize that we are not bound to perpetuate the chaos we were raised in. We hold the power to make choices that align with our well-being and growth.
For many years, I resigned myself to the circumstances I found myself in, accepting them as an immutable reality. However, today marks a shift in my mindset and approach. Today, I choose to disengage.
Someone asked once, 'Why do they hate you so much?' My answer many, many moons ago 'You will have to ask them; I do not know.' Today, I can answer with some certainty,' Because I exist.'
I understand this isn't an honest answer, but honestly... it's all I got.
What did you do? They ask... I asked for empathy for an ever-changing situation, and it broke the thin threads holding this inept group of humans together for the sake of another. I broke the invisible bubble surrounding us, and it dissolved into a puddle of nothingness. Reality is simple. You can't lose what you never had.
If the relationships are one-sided- the relationship doesn't exist. This goes for all forms of relationships:
Marriage
Co-workers
Friendship
Family
Cats
Sometimes Dogs
All pets
All humans
Have you ever met a cat who wants to be your BFF? If the answer is no, this applies.
Have you ever met a dog who is likely to bite you vs. let you pet them? This applies.
Have a family member that would prefer you dead vs. put any effort in to balance the scales and meet halfway? Yeah, well, this applies even if you are lucky never to have these experiences.
Relationships do not have to be complicated; they do have to be mutually beneficial. How sad is it that, more often than not, we all engage in a relationship that is:
70-30,
60-40,
80-20,
99.9-.001
That friend who never calls you becomes angry when you don't reach out asap. The wife who creates that life of spoiled, but you can't bring her 'just cause' flowers or send a text that screams 'thinking of you, babe.'
Before someone assumes I am 'the wife' in this story... I AM NOT! I receive random 'I like you' texts and 'just cause' flowers. I'm the spoiled in this relationship.
It is also an excellent time to note that all this is based on a lifetime of hearing all the stories while playing in hair with chemicals and sharp objects. Like a bartender at 1:30 am and the bar is going to close soon, I am the person who may hear the dramatic start to a better way when the only way to change is:
Disengage.
Separate.
Acknowledge defeat.
Move on.
My question is this: Why do we hold on for so long when hindsight will show us that the end of the road is just that? An Ending. Maybe it was the wrong or the only route, but the end is still the same. The ending doesn't have to be as drama-filled as we sometimes make it. It can be a gradual 'I'll see you when I see you' or a quiet void. A detailed text of what went wrong or a simple "I'm so done with you, Goodbye." It doesn't have to be: "You are dead to me" or "to remove you from our lives because you don't care for anyone but yourself."
Disengagement is a fundamental task of not continuing on the same road of discontent. It is the end of an era. Create the new, disengage in the fight, and fall back.
IT IS NOT SURRENDER.
It is a stalemate. No one gains in their position; we simply retreat and hope that cloud cover subsides to sunshine and roses after the storm on a deserted gravel road of entitlement and disgust. Disengage means: Ending the battle, regrouping, and redefining the parameters before engagement resumes for a war that makes no common sense.
If there isn't anything to fight about, there isn't a fight. Am I wrong?
My advice from a place I know all too well:
Get off the damn road before engaging in a stupid recurring argument that is baseless.
Disengage before a battleground forms.
Do not get on the road headed to the battlefield.
If you find yourself headed to war, disengage.
If you are in the battle, disengage.
If you are in the war, FIGHT to win or disengage.
There should be no fight when there isn't anything to fight about. It should be a relatively easy day-to-day. The sad part of my personal story is the fight became about entitled perceived control in relationships that were never on a long road.
Whatever your story is and with whom it unfolds, know your strengths and weaknesses, and always stay on the right side of truth, honesty, and integrity.
Accepting disengagement as a significant concept in life has been a journey of gradual understanding for me. Looking back on my past, I realize that coming to terms with this idea was not always a simple task. It is a term that comes into play when all other efforts have failed to bring about the peace and contentment one seeks.
In the past, my immediate reaction was to 'fix' things without truly delving into their core. However, my perspective has evolved, and now I embrace the motto "as you wish."
Reflecting on my upbringing, I find that everyone indeed has a unique story to tell. Each individual perceives their reality differently, and this is my interpretation of mine. Others will have their own versions. The past and the future seem to coexist in the present, replaying like a scene from a horror movie stuck on repeat. Time slips away amidst the tangled web of past memories, their emotions so vivid that they almost feel like the present moment, while the actual present fades away. The future appears uncertain, as tomorrow remains a mystery...
Each person's upbringing shapes their understanding of life and influences their approach to challenges. It is through these experiences that we learn and grow, discovering new perspectives and insights along the way.
Welcome to Dazey Dog Days!
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